By Felecia O’Neal

Communication simply means the ability to send and receive messages. As humans, we are able to give and catch these messages consciously and unconsciously. Think about it. Reflect on all the messages you receive during any given day from people, situations, social media, random signs meant to help you navigate, and that one email that totally threw off your day.

You are also giving yourself messages. Be honest, you talk to yourself.  We all do! The question is how are you communicating and are you consciously aware of your own conversations? Replace the words conscious and unconscious with proactive and reactive.  Which are you? It is important to know because you aren’t just having conversations, you are reacting to them all the time.

Why can’t you? Think on all the things you believe you can’t do or can’t achieve. Is it because something or someone conveyed some message that convinced you that you can’t have what you want? The answer is probably yes.  Chances are you have been living your life based on these negative messages.

Granted, you can’t always control the many messages that are sent your way. However, YOU can control how you react to these messages through your own conversations.  Remember, you are already talking to yourself.  Why not make it a proactive conversation? Self-Coaching is a type of life coaching that gives you the power to proactively silence all conversations but your own.  You want to pay attention to what you are saying.

You have done this type of silencing before with a friend or lover.  Recall a time when the two of you were surrounded by noise and yet the only voices you heard were one another.  Self-Coaching is similar in that it doesn’t matter what negative messages are sent your way, you only hear the positive sounds of your own voice. And that positive sound will empower and guide you in achieving what you want.

Self-Coaching Exercise

At the end of the day, find a quiet space and write down all the negative messages you heard from that day.  As you write them down, image the negative energy from those messages leaving your body and mind completely.  Whatever feelings or emotions you may have during this process, know you are loved and it is okay to feel what you feel.  Take nice deep breaths.

Rewrite those messages into positive conversations.


Create 2 columns: Negative Messages and My Positive Self-Coaching Conversations.  In the Negative column write down the messages you have heard today such as

  • The feedback from the job interview was I am not a good fit.
  • My mom said I wasn’t the college type.
  • While on social media I felt like I needed to lose more weight to make others happy.

Then in the Self-Coaching column convert these messages into positive conversation starters. For example

  • I know I can find the job that best fits me…
  • College is absolutely in my reach…
  • I am more than enough! This is why…

After you have written out your 2 lists, I recommend throwing away the negative messages.  Yep! Put it in the trash.  If you wrote it on the same paper, even better.  Tear it away or cut it out and then throw the negativity right in the trash.